The Office

What a way to make a living. Working in an office is something millions of people do everyday. We drag our fat asses out of bed and follow the same old dull routine. The commute sucks whether you are sitting on the road, the train or even going from your bedroom to your home office. We hate our jobs and want out of “this place”. We all think the grass is greener on the other side. I truly believe that even dream jobs have bad days.

We spend more time with people at work than we do with our own families. We come in on Monday and say “how was your weekend”? Do we really care? – not really. If there is a three day weekend coming up, we start on Wednesday asking “any big plans for the big weekend”? “doing anything fun”? I am always tempted to answer these inane questions honestly. “What am I doing?, nothing, absolutely nothing, I am mowing my lawn okay? You want to come over and help me?” This madness continues on Tuesday after the big weekend, “how was your weekend, did you do anything fun?”. No, shut up, stop asking me.

We put our bag lunches in smelly refrigerators. I put my name on mine, but that only means the person who steals my egg salad sandwich knows who they stole it from. By the way, bottled water in the office refrigerator belongs to everyone.

Don’t get me started with holidays. Christmas time at the office. What a horror show that is. It starts right after Thanksgiving. It’s always some wacky lady who has been working at the company for 30 years going around asking people to participate in the office grab bag or the secret santa. Pick a name and buy something. BUY SOMETHING? I don’t think so. I call it the re-gifting time of year. This is when I go shopping in my closet. “Hey, honey are you ever going to wear these red heels, I got Ralph in the grab bag this year”. I hate secret santa. I have received more crap from my secret santa than you can believe. I don’t need anymore candles, calendars or coffee mugs – thank you very much. One office I worked in had a great idea. Everyone decided to buy eachother gift cards. I bought someone a $15 gift card from Best Buy. I opened my gift and received….you guessed it…a $15 gift card from Best Buy. What the ….

I have worked in more offices than I thought I would, thanks to the economy and my tendency to get bored and move on. There are certain things I notice take place in every office. First of all, every office group thinks they work with the weirdest people and the company they work for has the stupidest rules. “There is the right way, the wrong way and the (insert your company name here) way”

When they find out I do comedy, forget it. The standard response is “you should do jokes about this place”. As if, the general public would understand what Mr. Vanderwater did at the meeting on Thursday. I also get “don’t put me in your act”…Don’t worry, I won’t….You’re not funny.

I love how everyone talks about eachother but are so cordial to their faces. It’s the closest thing to barbarianism since the days of Atilla The Hun. Oh the inhumanity of it all.

Occassionally people leave the company and we pass around that famous goodbye card. You know the “we will all miss you” card. It has little cartoon drawings of different animals depicting office workers. Someone usually puts names on the animals that most resemble the office worker. I am always the little nerdy turtle with the horn rimmed glasses. I always feel bad for the person portrayed as the elephant. Then we sign the card with adulations and well wishes and “we will miss you around here”. After work, it’s off to happy hour to celebrate the person leaving, or just have an excuse to get drunk and try to get one of the administrative assistants in the sack.

Monday comes and it’s like the person never existed. “Jimmy who?”. The office vultures have already dived into his desk, like a dead carcus, stealing supplies. He is no longer known as Jimmy the great guy we all miss. Now he is that idiot that screwed everything up. What is the grace period for blaming the last guy? I think six months, unless you’re the President of the United States, then it’s at least four years or more. We are still blaming Jimmy Carter for stuff. Personally I think Millard Fillmore had a lot to do with the problems we are having today.
Damn that Millard.

We all say “keep in touch”. That lasts for about a week. Only enough time for the person that left to call up and brag about what a good move they made. I bet you stop hearing from these people when they settle in at their new jobs and realize it sucks just as bad as the last one.

So, I say to all my friends at the offices I used to work at. Remember me? That guy? that funny guy? Currently known as “that damn Steve” or “Steve did that”, or simply…..”who?”
I’m still the same guy. The guy you said you would miss. The nerdy turtle.

Keep in touch?

Yeah, right…

If you passed that card around now I would sign it:

Good luck on your new job from,
Gone and forgotten.

Daily Theme Song:

The Scrantones – Office Theme Song http://youtu.be/jjFVkbOPM8Y

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About Stevie GB

57 year old stand up comedian from Long Island. My approach to comedy is telling the truth about being married, middle aged and living in the suburbs. I enjoy making people laugh without making them feel uncomfortable. My act is clean and clever. Featured in Newsday and on News12. Winner of the Huntington Arts Council Laff-off, 2006. 3rd place winner of LI Press Best of LI 2011, A regular on The Long Island Comedy Festival for 9 consecutive years. Opened for Dennis Miller, Louie Anderson, Kevin Pollak, Bobby Collins, Bob Nelson, Uncle Floyd, Kevin Meaney, and many more.
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One Response to The Office

  1. dba says:

    Office means job. Work. People always says i work in this place n my office has hear or this place. I also love to work in office. Some very nice incidence you mention in article. It’s very nice.

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