I was watching an interview with Serena Williams. A documentary is coming out about The Williams sisters, the tennis pros. She said she never feels fully accomplished. She always feels like she has so much more to do. It sounds insane to think that she feels that way. Bob Dylan said “an artist is always in the state of becoming”. Like him or not, you have to admit Dylan has accomplished quite a bit, yet still feels like he hasn’t arrived. It made me realize why I sometimes feel unfulfilled.
I have a dream, just like anyone. It’s nice to have a dream of something bigger than yourself. I am not sure how to live without some goal in mind. The curse of having a dream is watching it start to come true. Whenever you have a little piece of your end goal come into fruition, it’s nearly impossible to resist the urge to go “all in.” Get an RV and just travel around broke and free.
I am not sure if I want to go for it, for fear that it may become that four letter word, “work.” My dream is making the rest of my life a nightmare. I can’t go a day without thinking about a future performance date or dates, or some new project. I get depressed if I don’t have enough dates booked. I have a fear that it may all come to an end.
People are supportive and tell me nice things like “wow you are doing great” or “you are on your way”. I don’t feel that way. I feel like I am going in circles. Two steps forward three steps back. I know I have to get off Long Island. I have exhausted my audience. As I get older it’s hard to think about travelling. I get anxious driving. I have night blindness and pee 75 times a day.
I can’t quit. Every time I think about quitting, something good happens. I like to
think it’s somebody up there keeping me going. Some divine intervention maybe.
It could be Freddy Krueger.